White Wind
by yukuro
Summary: Tezuka and Fuji have always been people to be looked up to, but who would have known that they struggle with deep relationship problems, knowing they would be condemned? [TezukaxFuji]


**Disclaimer:** …I would be rich…n_n;

**Pairing:** TezukaxFuji

            White Wind

                        by: yukuro

            What kind of color is "white?" Blank and void, is it even to be considered an actual color at all? Fuji Syusuke had never thought much of the color white. The color had beauty, he supposed, but that didn't give a reason for its existence.

            "Good morning, Tezuka," Fuji said cheerfully as he stepped out of his house, closing the door behind him. His smile remained on his face even when Tezuka simply nodded in return and turned his back. Walking slowly down the steps to join his captain, Fuji continued to smile at the other boy. "It's a nice morning for practice today."

            "Ah," the taller boy said, eyes directed towards the sky. "The weather has been nice lately."

            Tezuka Kunimitsu had never been one to communicate much, Fuji thought to himself with his smile still on his face. Fuji believed he could deal with it. After all, he understood Tezuka. They never really needed words. But then why… Fuji's smile faded slightly as the taller boy walked ahead. Why was it still that Fuji still felt some kind of pain in their silence?

            Pausing, Tezuka turned slightly to look at the other boy. He saw the faded smile on the blue eyed boy's face, but let it go. _If Fuji has something he wanted to tell me, he would tell me on his own accord. I shouldn't meddle in his affairs._ "Hurry up, Fuji. We shouldn't keep the others waiting."

            A cool breeze blew between them and Fuji's hand loosened its grip on the strap of his tennis bag for a moment. Drifting, drifting… Why did it feel this way? Another smiling mask toping his broken one, Fuji tightened his grip again and smiled. "Sorry. I'm coming. But, you know, Tezuka," Fuji's smile tightened painfully, "I've always said you could call me 'Syusuke.'"

            The breeze rustled their hair silently. Tezuka kept his back turned to the blue eyed boy. Slowly, he closed his eyes before opening them again. "Hurry up, Fuji," he repeated softly. "You should set a good example for the younger members by being punctual."

            Still smiling painfully at Tezuka's back, Fuji nodded his head slightly. _That's alright…I don't mind. Because you're Tezuka…_ "Hai, hai. No more interruptions then. I'm coming, Tezuka."

            Tezuka waited until Fuji was by his side again before walking ahead. He knew he had probably hurt the other boy this time. Out of the corner of his eye, he glanced at Fuji. The light haired boy was smiling just as usual, his gaze set straight ahead. Turning his sight back to the road ahead of him, Tezuka continued walking. That was Fuji for sure. No matter what seemed to happen, he would always look straight ahead again…

            The rest of the walk to Seigaku was spent in their usual silence. Their arms brushed together slightly as the walked and neither said a thing about it. It was already enough comfort to feel their skin against each other's. Both Tezuka and Fuji already knew about their situation. No matter how they felt about each other, those feelings were still "wrong." The simple tingle of their skin as their arms gently touched each other would be the best they could have. Why? Because it was "wrong" to people…

            "Good morning, Fuji! Good morning, Tezuka!" the Regular members greeted as the two stepped into the clubroom quietly.

            "Good morning," Fuji said in return, his smile already plastered on his face again. Tezuka simply nodded and busied himself with changing. Fuji's gaze lingered on his tall captain for a moment before he turned away. If Tezuka spoke little to Fuji, he spoke even less to everyone else.

Maybe Tezuka was afraid of it, Fuji thought to himself as he set his bag down. Being condemned, that is. Especially since everyone had always said what a bright future Tezuka had. There should be nothing to stand in the way of that bright future. Fuji didn't have the right to do so.

            It wasn't until he had opened his bag that he realized what day it was. Fuji paused to stare down at the small, neatly package in his tennis bag. A faint smile drew on is face. Marshmallows for St. White's Day. The day before, his sister had insisted he bring a box for "some special person."

            "Syusuke must have someone he cares about very much," his sister had said with a knowing smile. "I can see it in your eyes. Don't you think you should let that person know? Syusuke?"

            The blue eyed boy chuckled faintly to himself. Exactly a month ago, he remembered being flocked with a mountain of unwanted chocolate for girls, some of which he didn't even know. Fuji felt no special feelings for any of them, so what was the point of having a return gift?

Chuckle dying on his lips, Fuji found himself thinking of Tezuka. The only person he could ever consider special to him in that way could only be one person. Yet, even so… Fuji glanced at Tezuka with knitted brows and a distraught smile. It didn't matter how many emotions he felt or how hard he tried to change his mind, it didn't change the fact that it was something that simply could not be.

            _Maybe I will always be this way,_ Fuji thought to himself with a bitter smile as he silently changed his clothes. _Insecure, unhappy, fighting hard…all for something that I absolutely cannot have. Because…I cannot be the one to destroy Tezuka. He has his "bright future" ahead of him. Who am I to destroy him? Just being near him is enough for me._

            "Fuji," a voice interrupted him. The light haired boy turned to see Tezuka standing at his side in the now empty clubroom. Closing his eyes, Tezuka said quietly, "…Practice is starting now. Come with me, please."

            "I will," Fuji said with his familiar smile. Picking up his racket and a small package, he walked behind Tezuka until the taller boy held the door open for him. Stepping into the sunlight, Fuji halted and stared straight ahead. "Does it bother you, Tezuka?"

            "What?" the taller boy asked, not moving from where he stood behind the boy.

            "The way we are now," Fuji responded, his gaze never moving. "Am I a so much of a bother to you? Maybe you're afraid of what could happen in the future," the shorter boy turned to reveal his twinkling blue eyes that seemed to have sorrow and pain crammed into them, "but you know, I am too, Tezuka. I'm more afraid than anyone else could be."

            "Fuji…" Tezuka began, as the blue eyed boy walked towards him slowly. His words suddenly seemed to be lost when Fuji reached out and took one of his hands. His lips instantly shut again.

            "You don't have to say anything, Tezuka," Fuji said. Lifting his head, he closed his eyes and smiled again. "Some things," he said quietly, using his other hand to place the small package of marshmallows into Tezuka's palm, "are better left unexplained."

Letting go of his hand, Fuji too a step back and smiled. Putting his hands behind his back he said with fake cheerfulness, "Nee-san told me to give that to the person that was most important to me as a return gift. Of all the people that sent chocolate to me on St. Valentines Day, none of them seemed to spark in my mind when I heard 'most important person.' You can throw it away later, Tezuka," Fuji went on, his smile beginning to strain, "Please just accept it from me for now."

            Tezuka remained motionless as Fuji went ahead to the courts. Closing his eyes, he sighed painfully. "It's hard for me too," he mumbled, pulling on the ribbon of the small box to reveal the small white treats. "It's hard for me too… Syusuke…"

--

            "Ne, Fuji," Kikumaru called after his friend as the walked together to the clubroom after a long practice. Grinning, he asked with a wink, "Do you know what day it is today?"

            "The fourteenth?" Fuji replied, his lips set in a smile as he opened the door to the clubroom.

            "Of…? What month?" the redhead continued to ask, leaning forward to hang on Fuji's shoulders. He was still grinning mischievously at his shorter friend.

            "The third month," Fuji again replied calmly, walking towards his bag with Kikumaru still hanging on his shoulders. "What about today, Eiji? Is it your birthday?"

            Frowning, the redhead reached out and poked Fuji's sides. "You _know_ my birthday's in November! It's St. White's Day, today! Fuji! I know you knew about it!"

            "If you knew, then why did you ask?" the blue eyed boy countered smoothly with a smile. "So, I know that it's St. White's Day. Any special reason you've decided to bring it up for?"

              
            "Well? Isn't there someone you want to give a return gift to?" Kikumaru pried, turning his head slightly to look at his friend. "There's got to be someone that you like. Right?"

            Stiffening for a moment, Fuji paused before continuing unzipping his bag. "No. There's really no one I like in particular. Maybe I'll find someone that's right for me eventually."

            "Is that really what you think?" a sharp voice intervened, making Kikumaru leap.

            "T-Tezuka!" the redhead exclaimed, rubbing the back of his neck. He glanced at Fuji, noticing that the boy's blue eyes had snapped open. "Sorry!" he apologized quickly with an awkward laugh. "I didn't know you were there, Tezuka. I'll just…eh…excuse me…"

            Neither Tezuka nor Fuji moved when Kikumaru backed out of the room. Fuji's shimmering blue eyes were turned straight ahead while Tezuka's sharp eyes were glued to him. They were always two who could deal with silences and understand them, but this time, it had already become too unbearable.

            "Are you so afraid of people finding out?" Tezuka asked, almost coldly. His fists were clenched in a slightly painful way. "Is it that, or is what you said really true?"

            "I don't think it should really matter, Tezuka," Fuji said simply, rising to his feet. "All of this has been so hard for us both, right? I may like to see people suffer, but you… Tezuka, we both know already. Something like this really could destroy us. Above all, your golden future is definitely more important than a few of our childish feelings right?"

            "I feel like I don't even know you now," Tezuka said sharply, his eyes not moving from where they rest on Fuji's back. "Are you really the person that would never give up even when people put you down? I'm not sure anymore. How meaningless are these feelings to you? To just throw them aside so easily… Maybe you were never serious since the beginning."

            "Maybe," Fuji said faintly, doing his best to conceal his pain. Words weren't supposed to hurt a person, he remembered. Yet somehow this time, every word hurt more than an icy dagger through his heart.

            "But I can't accept that." Tezuka's gaze was firm and unmovable as he spoke. It made Fuji's insides hurt. Everywhere, from top to bottom. "No one said it would be easy for us. I just don't remember when you said you would be the first one to give up."

            "I know, I know, Tezuka," Fuji muttered quietly, leaning forward to place his forehead on the cool wall. "Shouldn't you know better than anyone else how 'wrong' it is for us? Not only just by the school, but people in general. You're afraid of being condemned, aren't you? Even so, the way we are now is too painful."

            "How would you want it to be for us?" the taller boy asked. It felt as if he suddenly lost all strength he had in his legs to go forward to the other boy. "How would you want to change the way things are?"

            "I want…" Head still pressed against the wall, Fuji drew his hands to his chest and breathed slowly. "I want us to be together all the time. I want us to walk home together, to go to school and classes together. I want us to eat lunch together. I want you to talk to me more than anyone else. You don't have to proclaim your feelings for me everyday, but…I want to feel them…"

            "Isn't that," Tezuka breathed, eyes slowly growing gentler, "the way that things are now?"

            "Yes," the other boy admitted, a painful smile finding its way to his lips. "That's how it's always been. Everything is perfect. But you know, Tezuka… More than anything else…I wish you would call me 'Syusuke.' That's the closest we can get to letting things be public. Maybe for other people it's only a just their name, but to me…it lets me know you won't forget me. Is that…selfish?"

            "Knowing that I can't kiss you or hold you close is almost too painful for me to bear," Tezuka admitted slowly, finally finding the strength to walk over to stand by Fuji's side. "No, you're not selfish. It may be hard for us, but I still feel I want to try. Don't worry about my future. What happens in the future will come in time. For now, there are still more important choices I need to make."

            _Don't come too close to me; I won't be able to bear it…_ Slowly, Fuji reached out and pushed himself upright. He stared hard at the other boy. "Do you really think something like this could actually work out, Tezuka? Yes, I'm afraid of it ending, but I can't help to think. Not once have we told each our feelings. Not only that, but we can't even touch each other. Could something so unstable last for long?"

            Tezuka slowly closed his eyes. "Can you feel the wind? You can feel it, but you can't see it, can you? The wind will still blow even if you don't tell it to. People can't see the wind, they only know it's there by feeling it. Don't you think that is something like what we are feeling? Words and sounds aren't needed to describe it, it's simply a feeling that envelops us."

            Slowly, the taller boy approached Fuji and took his hand. His other hand disappeared into his pocket for a moment. "Do you know what white represents?" he muttered quietly. "White is for purity. If the wind is the feeling we feel, then white would be the color for the wind. It may take a while, but you'll see, these feelings we have are pure. How can they be wrong?"

            Looking down at his hand, Fuji found a pure, snow white ribbon tied around his wrist. His hand rest gently on top of Tezuka's, but their fingers did not move to intertwine.

            _It's St. White's Day, after all._

            "I'm sorry," Tezuka apologized quietly, closing his eyes and stepping back. His hand reluctantly left the warmth of the other's. "I'm afraid we'll never be given the opportunity to embrace the wind, no matter how strongly we feel it…Syusuke."

            Fuji Syusuke never did understand the reason for the existence of white. Even more than ever, he couldn't understand the reason for existence of white wind. It may seem like a beautiful thing, yet who knew something intangible could cause so much pain?

            _The reason for white is to let people know that purity exists._

            "Happy St. White's Day…my white wind…"

            Owari.

-----

**A/N:** erk. Probably not a very happy holiday after all. ^^;; You'll have to excuse me and my urge to experiment. Since everyone likes to make Tezuka and Fuji's relationship always seem so…physically drawn (x_x), I wanted to try something where it shows how they would be if they couldn't touch each other at all.

Ah. O_o;; because it's true…people who are "strange" are always outcast by society.

*blink cough* e_____e;; anyway, enough of that ramble. I'm sick today and didn't bother to read through this to look for typos and such, so hopefully it turned out generally alright. (eto…I wouldn't be too sure about that since my brain is fried @_@)

Well, **_Happy St. White's Day_! **(even though this is probably a holiday not celebrated in America…) ^^;; Please leave a review if you can and I hope you've enjoyed reading this!


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